If you watched last Sunday’s game against the Bears at Lambeau field, I’m sure you were wondering some of the same things I was. But before I regurgitate everything you already know about the game, a quick digression:
I used to be a diehard Red Wings fan in the 90’s, and back then it was easy to tell who was going to win at almost any point of the game. They were so stocked with talent and with their “Left Wing Lock” system installed by Scotty Bowman, they needed only show up and play together on the same day and they’d win. I could just turn on the TV and watch the game for 30 seconds - if it looked like the game was a continuous 7-on-5, the Wings beating their opposition to the puck at every turn and winning every battle on the boards, I could turn off the TV. I knew we’d be notching a win.
That’s the way the first five minutes of the Bears game felt like. We introduced our running game, ramming the ball down the throat of the Bears for a quick seven, and then on the Bears’ first play from scrimmage, Atari “The Space Invader” Bigby picks up a Bears tight end immediately after the catch and throws him to the ground like he was roping a calf. I was expecting to see Bigby pull a rope from his pants, wrap up the tight end’s hands and legs (which were all stretched towards the heavens at impact), step back and yell “Done!”
I was pretty sure I could’ve just turned off the TV at that point. The Packers obviously were going to be pulling down the Bears’ skirts and applying a firm spanking.
By halftime the Pack had as many yards on offense as they usually have in a whole game. But that, my friends, is where all similarities to a San Francisco-style spanking end, as the Packers ended up losing to the Bears 27-20 at the final gun.
The problems that I saw:
- I’ve talked about Favre’s hot-potato passes and how our fortunes rest on them. The Bears played hot potato better than we did.
- Minnesota exposed a Packer weakness: holding onto the ball. Now that the game film is out, expect every team we face to give us the “A.J. Hawk Treatment“, treating us like piñatas filled with footballs. Chicago saw that film and Charles Tillman just about made a career from stripping the ball from James Jones. Five turnovers later and we have ourselves an issue.
- DeShawn Wynn is fat. In the third quarter you could see bandaids covering owies on each of his arms after Packer trainers tried to remove the butter from his veins and replace it with saline. Hard to have a stout running game when you’re primary back is sporting a muffin top.
- Why does a cornerback become a cornerback? Because he has the speed and maneuverability of a wide receiver, only without the hands. I like Charles Woodson, but I watch his kick returns like I watch testicle surgery on the Discovery Channel. Maybe we could bring in a dedicated return guy? Didn’t Will Blackmon have a few nice returns in the preseason?
- Mark Tauscher. He isn’t really a problem, I just wanted to call attention to the fact that he was called for holding, adding to the other 11 penalties the Packers committed. Oh, and I also wanted to mention that on his local Tuesday evening show, he looks like a dirty hobo that’s been riding in the train’s cheese car for a few months. Get some clothes and a haircut!
- Nick Barnett. You get the sense that he’s riding a razor’s edge between brilliance and insanity when he’s on the field (and off the field).
- Playcalling. It was like someone realized we weren’t supposed to win and adjusted the play calling accordingly. If you wanna make an omelette you’ve gotta have some huevos. Or something.
My wife hasn’t had to hide the razor blades yet, but instead of feeling really good about the upcoming ‘Skins game, I’m a little queezy. How ’bout you?
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