It’s been four months almost to the day since Brett said ‘no mas’ to football. There have been a few OTA’s and mini-camp in Green Bay, but for the most part there’s been nothing football going on that might make the waffling #4 decide he wants to come out of his four month retirement and play football again. But here he is, using his network of family media leakers, claiming he wants back in.

If you thought this was orchestrated, raise your right hand. Hmm. Looks like almost everyone. (For those of you who didn’t raise your hand, please turn in your anatomically correct, life-size Favre doll. Freak.)

Do you remember the things Favre said he wasn’t going to miss about playing football? Training camps and working out all the time. Now that he was retired, he was gonna love him some saturated fat and a deep ass groove on his favorite La-Z-Boy. Or his lawnmower. But when Cletus Favre, Brett’s Next-of-Kin styled PR agent, told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel that Favre had been working out, that thing he hated to do, and put his comeback at 50-50, I knew the fix was in.

Cue Deliverance (that’s Cletus dancing at the 3:27 mark).

According to ESPN, Bus Cook, Favre’s agent and wash tub bassist for Favre’s hillbilly orchestra, contacted the Packers a few weeks ago about the potential for Favre’s return. At the conclusion of those discussions, Cook was reported as asking for Favre’s outright release.

I was born in Texas, which is less than 200 miles from Mississippi, so I believe I’m qualified to translate what’s going on here. Allow me a minute to fiddle with the facts: (Get it? Fiddle? Hillbilly Orchestra? Whatever. Whadda you know from funny?)

  • Favre really didn’t/doesn’t get along with Ted Thompson and the regime that’s in place. Maybe because Thompson studied astronomy in college and realized that the sun does not in fact rise and set on Brett Favre’s shoulders. So Favre still wanted to play, but he wanted out of Green Bay. But how is he possibly going to get out of his lifetime contract (ok, 2 years left, whatev) with the Pack? How could he leave these fans that love him so dearly? He had to hatch a plan. A plan that would allow him to get out of Green Bay but make him look like the good guy.
  • Favre announces his retirement. He claims over and over that it has nothing to do with the change in the climate at 1265 Lombardi Avenue, that’s he thought long and hard about it, and that he just doesn’t have anything to give to football anymore and “that’s it.” To quote Adrienne in Rocky III, “That’s not it!”
  • Favre waits until the team is moving along with their plans for life after Brett. Aaron Rodgers starts getting all the reps in mini camp (and starts making boneheaded, rookie PR moves – more on that later). Local sports talk radio is newly entrenched in what the Packers can and should do with the offense under the leadership of the new QB. Favre believes the team has reached the point of no return – they’re all in with Rodgers and they’ve even drafted two quarterbacks, so if Favre asks to come back, he figures the team will probably just say “no thanks” and cut him loose, giving him the freedom to play wherever he wants.
  • Hillbilly logic will burn you every time.
  • Bus Cook plays the only cards he has with Packers management – pay Favre BIG dollars and do things his way or cut him loose. They are banking on the Packers not being willing to budge with contract terms or the direction of the team, and they’re right. But the Packers are still holding every other card. They counter with “Shut the eff up. We own the rights to you, so if you wanna play for us, it’s on our terms. If you don’t wanna play for us, we’ll trade you somewhere else. Like Oakland. Or Detroit. If you don’t like that, sit yer ass on your Simplicity lawnmower and cut. And sign your retirement papers you charlatan.”
  • So they play the only other card left in the deck. Cletus Favre springs into action, contacting Milwaukee media and dishing about Favre’s itch and his workout regimen. Some fans go berserk, tears of misplaced joy streaming down their faces, taking their beer-stained #4 jerseys out of their frames to prepare for one more glorious run. The rest of us are all “Wait a minute. In the time it took for you to mow your lawn 4 times you decided you might want to come back, but you’re not man enough to own it, opting instead (like you usually do) to use your family as a backwater Pierre Salinger, leaking out your true feelings? And then deny it via text messages? Are you a twelve year old girl or a football quarterback?” Check this box for yes, this box for no.
  • The Packers are predictably tight-lipped, not wanting to spoil the progress made with Rodgers sans Favre, and not wanting to alienate the fan base by looking like big meanies, trying to make Favre look bad. Here’s the thing, Ted. When Favre is doing anything business related, he pretty much looks like the barefoot hobo I saw on the Wisconsin Central Railway a couple weeks ago. Even acquitted child rapists think Favre is screwing this thing up. So no worries, Ted. Favre has a remarkable football sense, but he’s got dingleberries where his reason and logic are supposed to be.
  • The only thing that remains to be seen is whether Favre will knuckle under and take the terms offered by the Packers, or accept a trade to wherever the Packers can send him. Or maybe sit his ass down on his Simplicity and mow.

And now you have the answer to the future Trivial Pursuit question: How did Brett Favre end up finishing his career with the same team he started with, the Atlanta Falcons?

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