Every day this week I’d listen to sports talk radio, watch Greta, then take a few notes about what I wanted to post about. And then by the next morning there was enough crap added to dung heap that has become the Brett Favre situation that I had to scrap my plans for the previous post and change direction. First I was going to title this post “The Fargina Monologues.” Then, “How to Throw Away a Career of Good Will in 10 Days.”

But with all the piles of information to sift through and post about, there’s no way I’m going to be able to write a coherent post (do I ever?). So I’m going to just punch through this thing like a freaking tommy gun of bullet points.

  • Brett’s gotta stop listening to the women in his life, including his mother and his wife (and brothers, too, I suppose). Brett, in case you didn’t notice all the johnsons dangling from your teammates in the showers after the games, this is a man’s sport, dude. Unless you were the shy nerd of questionable sexual orientation on the team who would always come up with some reason why you couldn’t shower with the team, preferring the comfort of your bathtub and rubber ducky at home, you had to notice. And dudes? They don’t skip lightly from one idea to the next in an interview like a scatterbrained teenager at a Sadie Hawkins dance. So taking advice from mom and Deanna about football and public relations is always going to be a bad idea. You have millions. Hire someone. Someone that is not named Favre; someone who doesn’t pronounce P.R. “Purrrrr.” The more you talk, the more you appear to be taking your undergarment advice from Nuke LaLoosh. Or Susan Sarandon.
  • Liar, liar. In part 13 of the Greta Van Susteren interview Brett said he thought Ted Thompson was telling lies. Err, untruths. Err, whatever you call it when someone disagrees with Brett’s take on something. His example was Ted claiming Brett hadn’t lobbied hard to get Randy Moss into a Packer uniform. I’d like to introduce Brett to a concept I know he’s unfamiliar with. It’s called discretion. Discretion can occur when someone decides not to lay out the full story for the media about an issue out of concern that the media coverage may make the issue disproportionately large and take time away from the business of running the Packers. And when Brett was on David Letterman - wouldn’t that be considered a lie as well? The retirement? (change of heart, my ass) Brett’s insistence that the rumors of him wanting to come back were just that? Rumors? So Brett, you need to drop the liar talk. You’ve lied as much as anyone here, and probably more.
  • Oh, and what about Randy Moss? If memory serves, when we ditched Mike Sherman, Brett really wanted Steve Not Coaching Anymoriucci, too. Well, we ended up at 13-3 with the coaching talent Ted Thompson brought in. Sure McCarthy would sooner kick Favre’s testicles than caress them as Mariucci may have, but as Brett told Greta, the proof is on the football field.  2007 was some pretty solid proof that Ted Thompson knows what he’s doing.
  • And what about Donald Driver, Greg Jennings, James Jones, Ruvell Martin and Koren Robinson? Are you trying to tell me there was a better collection of wide receivers on the planet in 2007? Was there a single team running 5-wideout sets last year, other than the Packers? Mofo better have had 4,000+ passing yards last year, because he had more skilled hands at his disposal than any woman beating, Mary Jo Wanna smoking, locker room cancer, early quitting wideout could have ever brought to the team. Stop going all Mark Messier, thinking that because you’re the lead dog on the field that you’re in charge of player personnel, coaching staff and ticket prices. You’re the organ grinder monkey. And a great one at that. But shut up and dance, monkey.
  • Why would Brett ever choose Greta Van Susteren for his interviewer? Oh yeah. Brett’s boss sent Greta an email and told Brett to do the interview.  Does anyone think this interview would have gone differently if Vince Lombardi had done it?  How ’bout John Madden?  You know that at the very least they’d have known the team to our northwest is not called the Minneapolis Vikings.  Again, this is a man’s sport.  By not selecting someone of the male persuasion who was also involved at some level in football, this either looks like Brett Favre truly is an egomaniac thinking his situation should be national news, or that his nuts wear a diamond-studded collar with the name “princess” engraved on it, tied to a leash toted by his wife, or his mom if Deanna’s busy.  Watching an icon of the most manly sport in America act like an emasculated sissy is just uncomfortable for me.  Please stop talking, Brett.
  • And Brett probably thinks the fans are behind him, and he’s right.  Well, at least 130 of them, as 100 showed up at Lambeau and another 30 at a Milwaukee rally for Favre.  To those 130 all I can say is that I know how hard it can be when you’re unemployed.  For those of us who do NOT dumpster dive for our meals, Favre’s name is pretty much mud.  And when I say mud, I mean poop.  And when I say poop - ah, screw it.  Nevermind.
  • Even my dentist thinks you’re acting ridiculous, Brett.  I had to stop him and settle him down because I was worried he was going to drill through my brain he was so pissed off.
  • And now, Brett has yet to file papers to unretire and the latest from Bus Cook is that there are no immediate plans to do so.  Kind of like in March when I believe Favre first convened the hillbilly orchestra to hatch a plan to get out of Green Bay, he may be doing so again.
  • And if you are among those who want to see Brett come back, keep in mind Ted Thompson is a grinder.  He has not made his mark in the NFL by making blockbuster, 100-point font deals.  He’s done it by churning through libraries of data to select and sign people for about half their market price.  Getting Favre back is a media relations problem Thompson can’t manage.  If it were Jerry Jones, there’d be billboards from Slinger to Antigo and a full page ad on the cover of the Green Bay Press-Gazette announcing Favre’s return.  Thompson does great things with small amounts of money, but this is outside of Thompson’s depth.
  • That being said, what Thompson is doing is on the mark.  No employee of mine is going to tell me how to run my company.  Or if he does, he’ll soon be eligible to join the others at the Favre rallies.  I don’t think Favre owes the Packers.  I also don’t think the Packers owe Favre.  What I do think is that the Packers have Favre under contract and that contract is valid and should be enforced, and in Brett’s case, honored.  The Packers have Brett by the shorties - the sooner he comes to grip with that, the sooner he’ll be able to either move on with his life outside of football or have a partial egoectomy and get to camp to kick Rodger’s ass in earning the starting slot.
  • If there’s any hope for Brett to reclaim his status as a dude, when he gets into town to induct Frankie Bag-O-Donuts into the Packer Hall of Fame, he’ll tell the media he has nothing to say, that this day and this event are for Frank and Gilbert (Brown), and that he won’t answer any questions.  If he does anything other than that, I’ll expect him to be wearing a white, full-length mink coat and a pink fedora with a peacock feather sticking out of it when he gets off the plane, because it’ll all mean that Favre is loving pimping him some Favre.

It is my sincerest hope that this is the last post I’ll make about Brett Favre for awhile. Because I’d much rather write about Aaron Rodgers’ media missteps or Noah Herron beating an intruder senseless with a bedpost.

Oh - I almost forgot.  Brett was scheduled to be at the Resch center in person on August 13th for a motivational seminar.  Checking the website,  I see that “due to possible commitments Brett Favre may appear live via satellite for this event.”  Right.  Commitments like having to avoid living through someone saying something bad about him to his face.  Dude is not made of iron.  He’s got sensitivities, you know.

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