My Official Green Bay Packers blog

First, you have to watch the video below:

I applaud John Clayton in his courageous battle with comprehension. When you watch Clayton, you know you’re watching a guy who’s never played the game outside of Madden. In fact, in high school you know he was probably taped to the locker room showers, if for no other reason than the spit he lets fly when he’s talking. But you cut him a break because the guy looks so damn nerdy that you figure he has to be really good at his job, otherwise they wouldn’t have hired him. Yes you do. Why else would they give a guy with no shoulders, a 13″ neck and a nearly falsetto voice a job interviewing and reporting on some of the hardest guys on the planet?

So it was as much a surprise to me as I’m sure it was to you when John seemed to not grasp the moves available and likely for each side of this drama. Favre reportedly texted Ted Thompson telling him he wanted to come back (again, is Favre a 12 yr old girl or a dude? Place a call!), and Thompson’s reply was “I’m On Vacay, Bro.” Does that sound like a move by someone who thinks that Favre is bigger than the Packers and must crumble to Favre’s will and whimsy? And then Favre would just be sitting outside Lambeau with nowhere to go if the Packers didn’t take him back? Dude, you should read your coworker’s articles, specifically Chris Mortenson. He’ll lay it all out for you in a way you’ll understand. If Favre requests to be reinstated in writing, either the Packers take him back or they lose all rights to him. And then game on for the Brett Favre Lottery.

Of course the Packers will take him back. And it’s being reported that Favre will be given the backup QB role (better than I predicted, but at least I was closer to the mark than the guy who got paid for his insights on the matter), but that’s just for show, as Favre would certainly decline that offer unless it included a promise to get him the eff out of Green Bay. Then it’s the Packers choice where Favre will end up. Again, game on in the Brett Favre Lottery. Except this time, the Packers are holding every ticket.

So I wish you a speedy trip back to lucidity, John Clayton. There’s this great website where I get a lot of quality sports info you really oughta try. It might help you with the healing. It’s called espn.com.

Technorati Tags: More Brett Favre, John Clayton, Revenge of the Nerds

This was an unpublished draft I wrote on April 25, 2008.  Interesting considering the current state of affairs, isn’t it?

I’m still feeling like I’m at the doctor’s office, pants down, bent over the table waiting for Dr. Fatfinger to give me my rectal exam. Favre was on David Letterman on Thursday night and seemed to play the retirement questions as coy as a lusty virgin at a biker bar. There have now been two occasions that when asked if he was given special privileges, namely being allowed to skip much of the mini-camps and training camp, it would be tempting to return to the game. Favre still has not signed his retirement papers that would make the retirement official. There were reports that Bus Cook was putting out feelers to see if other teams would be interested in Favre’s services.

What’s killing me is how, if all this is true, how Favre has taken advantage of his adoring fans. Legions of fans. Fans that buy everything he wants them to buy. Deanna has a book? Let’s buy truckloads! He has a restaurant? Let’s go there and pay too much for a steak! It’s Favre’s place, after all. We packed Fox Cities Stadium to watch him play his charity softball game. We bought cars and trucks from Bergstrom because Brett Favre told us to.

And now we plan to honor him by putting his name in the ring of honor, and rename one of Green Bay’s arterial roadways after him. All while it appears he’s still playing the field, looking for a place to play another season or two, after swearing up and down that he was retired.

Well Packer Nation, I cannot stand for this anymore, and you shouldn’t either. The whole of northeast Wisconsin suffered from a form of tattoo regret when we renamed Gross Avenue (which intersects w/ Lombardi Ave just east of Lambeau Field) to Holmgren Way, only to have Holmgren bolt from the Green Bay Packers later that same year. So we tattooed our city, including all the business cards and marketing pieces and official city documents that had to be changed, to honor a person who didn’t hang around long enough to see the paint dry on the new street signs.

One of the rules of tattooing is to never get your woman’s name tattooed on you. Especially in a visible place. Right now Green Bay has a small Favre tat on it’s ass cheek, on a short knuckle of a street. We can’t compound this lack of judgment and desire to fling ourselves at this one football player by renaming another, much larger thoroughfare.

How cheated on will we feel when Favre jogs out of the visitor’s locker room on the Monday Night Football 2008 NFL season opener to accept the honor of having his number retired while wearing a purple #4? Probably like you, too had a run with my slutty ex-girlfriend. She doesn’t deserve a spot on the ring of honor, and neither would anyone else capable of that level of deceit.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT IT?

Here’s a start. This is the email address for Jim Schmitt, Green Bay’s Mayor. Send him a note simply asking that we have a waiting period before we go renaming things in Green Bay. The Hall of Fame has a waiting period. You have to wait to buy a gun. We can wait a few years before kneel one final time at the Favre altar. Ask him to call a moratorium on renaming for the next 12 months. ANYTHING to get him to prevent us from being made the fool yet another time by another of our football heroes.

Well this Brett Favre thing is just blowing up like that 4th of July screamer my dad told me to hold in my hand when I was 9, isn’t it? Ka-BOOM!

Reports are flying in from everywhere. I’ll try to dissect them here one by one. But first, my thanks to Ben Fawkes from The Ocho for putting more of this in front of me.

Bill Michaels, Packer reporter for WTMJ, is reporting that Brett’s mom thought that the Packers organization forced Brett out. Brett’s mom? Y’know, I get calls every year from moms, hoping I’ll hire their sons for summer jobs. The thing I always wonder is, why are their mothers calling for them? Are they too busy Xboxing? Too lazy to pick up a phone? Maybe they’re such blanket-sucking mommas boys that mom has to do even the lightest dirty work for them, like making phone calls about jobs. I’m now being forced to consider similar questions about Brett.

Here’s a quick test: What is John Elway’s mother’s name? Joe Montana’s? How ’bout the slushy Joe Namath? Jim Kelly? Dan Marino? Terry Bradshaw? Roger Staubach? Troy Aikman? Bart freaking Starr? You know any of ‘em? I don’t know any. But I know Bonita Favre. You decide what that means.

Oh, and when Kurt Warner’s wife would pipe up publicly when she thought her husband was being underutilized in St. Louis, did you think that made Kurt look like more of a man or more of a pussy? Again, translate that as you will into the current Favre fluster cuck.

So to me, Brett being forced out is really a side issue to why in thee hell Brett’s mom is saying anything to the media. I stopped letting my mom speak on my behalf when I was thirteen (just after I stopped sucking on my blanket).

Brett claimed that it was the preseason and mid-season practice, workout and team meeting schedule that really made him want to quit. Yet Chris Mortenson reports that Favre has been running and throwing with a high school team in Hattiesburg, Mississippi for over a month. Asphinctersayswhat? So he was “retired” for what - 156 minutes?

Brett’s asking for a “no strings attached” release so he can pursue whatever team he might have interest in, and Bus Cook is rattling a tinfoil sabre, that Brett doesn’t want to force the Packers hand by writing a letter requesting to be reinstated. By league policy (according to Mortenson’s article), the Packers would either need to take him back onto the team or grant his release.  Oh, and Bus said Favre really wants this to be an amicable parting of company.  Kinda like that Packer party I hosted back in ‘97, when one of my guests barfed on my carpet, then pissed everywhere in the bathroom except the toilet.  “But dude, I want this to be an amicable parting.  *urp* Your party was so excellent and we’ve been friends for so long.”  Whatever dude.  You make it so that I have to spend the next day cleaning up the mess you made in my house?  We are so not friends anymore.

Hey, Bus? I’m no legal beagle, but there are a lot of rungs on an 80-man roster.  Should the Packers take Favre back, it doesn’t mean he would by definition have the starting QB slot. In fact, more likely it would mean that Favre would hold down second string placekick holder job until such time as the Packers could get something of value for what’s left on Favre’s contract. Because after all, we know this was a premeditated move for Brett. Even Barack Obama and John McCain don’t switch positions this quickly on an issue. This was all part of a hillbillian, orchestrated plan to get out of Green Bay and play somewhere else. We think it stinks and we think a lot less of Brett for not having the stones to just come out with it. So we’re going to side with our city-owned team when they jerk your chain the way you’ve been jerking ours.