After three years of literally having to shove things out of the way to make space to work on something on my workbench, I finally cleaned up my workshop the other day.  I put all the different kinds of little screws and nuts into their own little drawers, built some storage shelves and got rid of all the junk.

Included in that junk was a pile of magazines, including some back issues of Muscle & Fitness from back when I used to pretend I didn’t buy it for the pictures of hot women.  Also discovered was the March 2004 issue of Men’s Journal.  Just before it was tossed into the trash, two items on the cover caught my eye: 1) If I were to but open the pages of this magazine I might meet the girls of Croatia, and 2) see who were the 25 toughest guys in America back in March of 2004.

Better than National Geographic, not quite as good as Maxim

So the magazine was temporarily spared.  I flipped through the pages not realizing that once again He Who Would Not Stay Retired would be shoved into my face.

Unless you count how his mom does his talking for himI got to page 80, where the article began at the end, putting the toughest guy in America right up front (and where else you put him?).  What was there?  A grimy-looking Brett Favre with what appeared to be a week-long porn ’stache and dilated pupils staring back at me.

Cheese-n-rice…  When will this guy get out of my house and stay out?  I hung around to read another rehash of how he had his intestines spilled, the Superbowl win, the “adolescent joy” seen when he plays the game, then I decided to move on to the Girls of Croatia.  It had to be better than that.

I get to page 94 and I see two girls pulling kayaks (click the pic to enlarge).  They look a little like they enjoy dining on berber, but if it was late and I was drunk I’d still be willing to convince ‘em to play for the right team again.  Not a great start, but I’m hooked; I’ll keep reading.

Because this is a men’s magazine, my expectation is much like it would be the day “The Girls of The Big Ten” issue of Playboy hits newstands - the next several pages will be filled with curvy flesh and scant strands of lycra.  Right?

Apparently not.  Going by photos alone, one has to conclude that Croatia is home to only four women.  Has to be, because that’s the sum total of women pictured in the entire article TITLED The Girls of Croatia.  As in, “Come look at all the hot girls from Croatia.”  I mean, there are more hot women having sex in a Miami bathroom than there are women in Croatia.  Hell, Nick Barnett can knock down that many in a single night of drinking.  You want a vacation with women?  Hang around downtown Appleton at bar time.

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Late add - other notable tough guys on the list:

  • #5 John McCain
  • #11 Rulon Gardner - Remember him?  2000 Greco-Roman Wrestling gold medalist?  Yeah, he was 14:30 into his 15 minutes when the mag went to press.
  • #15 Steve-O from Jackass
  • #20 Jet Li
  • #25 Hillary Clinton

And with that, I can now toss this waste of wood where it belongs.