Ladies of the purple and yellow:

I apologize in advance if I’m a bit mean-spirited in my review of your team.  You have a turncoat quarterback on your team that I think should suck mike ock for all the trouble he’s caused.  And because I’m mature about all of it, I’m going to wildly flail away at anything affiliated with the Vikings, even if it has nothing to do with Brent Favre.  Today, that means my attention turns to you.

First:  Is it a requirement in Minnesota that every woman wear Bumpits size XL?    Because wtf, ladies.  It looks like someone set off an M80 in the back of most of your heads.

Second: Whoever is in charge of naming the files you put up on the website?  “nikki-no-pit-stain.jpg” was a really, really bad choice.  I feel doubly bad for Miss Nopitstain, because when I was in high school you could always pick out which cheerleader was the one that was the anchor at the bottom of the pyramid, because she was built more like a Clydesdale than a princess.  It appears Ms. Nopitstain is the lynch pin of the Vikings cheerleader pyramid.  And rightfully so, with all the oats she’s been eating.

Third:  Maybe the photographer should mention to these girls that they’re supposed to be happy getting all this attention heaped on them, cheering for the team and getting their pictures taken.  Because the one below?  She scares me a little.

They get points for having videos on the site, though most of them are like watching Ms Teen South Carolina talk about maps for kids in The Iraq.  They also have a swimsuit calendar and wisely put their hottest cheerleader front and center.  That would be Annalisa.

Which brings me to my final segment – who is the most baberrific member of the 2009 Viking cheerleader squad.  But I guess I already blew my load on that one in the last paragraph, didn’t I.  If you took Olivia Newton-John at her absolute hottest, she would look like Annalisa’s ugly older sister.

Sing it with me:  Let’s get physical.  Physical.  I wanna get physical….

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