If you aren’t feeling your sphincter tighten up at the prospect of the Packers playing the Baltimore Ravens, then my friends you need a look inside the numbers.

And maybe you need a cork, too.

The Ravens win-loss is sitting at 6-5, but in looking at their schedule and comparing to the Packers’ schedule thus far, it’s like comparing the records of a high school football team from a preppy East Coast town to the hardass motherfuckers playing in Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.  The combined record of the Packers’ opponents so far is 40 and 59, or just a hair over a 40% win percentage.  The Ravens, on the other hand, have played against opponents with a combined record of 61 and 38 or 62% win percentage.  And that record includes games against the winners of the last six Super Bowls.  The number of recent Super Bowl champs the Packers have faced?  Uh, none, unless you include the 2001 Baltimore Ravens.

Included in that 6-5 record is a game where they took the undefeated Colts to the wire, losing by only two points.  And a game against the bitch-led Vikings, a team that smeared the Packers map all over the place, also barely skated by the Ravens, notching a 2-point victory.

Both defenses are excellent.  The Packers defense is better in yards against, and locally the sports radio dorks can’t seem to say that enough.  But in points against the Ravens have a slight edge.  The Packers front three are starting to assert their badness, Charles Woodson is playing like a 40 year old in a 20 year old’s body, and Clay Matthews is acting like his hair gives him the power of Samson.  But sum total, defense is about a wash.  So it’s gonna be a low scoring game and it may hinge on QB protection.  I know.  You just felt a little twinge in your stomach, didn’t you.

I did, too.

True, on Thanksgiving Rodgers had time to make a sandwich and pour himself a glass of lemonade before he had to react to a Lions pass rush, but I don’t think the Ravens will be quite as interested in allowing Rodgers to have a tea party in the backfield.

So if you’re a Packer fan you might want to hire a mason, because for three hours on Monday you’re going to be shitting a lot of bricks that you’ll need to do something with when the game’s over.

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