You Must Die Before Kickoff to Receive Discount
I know things can get a little crazy up in here when the Packers are playing for the Lombardi trophy. Companies offer their employees a paid holiday the day after the Superbowl if the Packers win, or the local chain burger joint might offer deep discounts if the Packers score so many points in the game.
But the latest discount I heard on the radio made me wanna fall over and die. Literally. BECAUSE OF THE DISCOUNT!
It was an ad for a memorial park near Green Bay. You know. Where they bury dead people. And if you’re lucky enough to be dead by the time the Packers play in the Superbowl? You might just have a chance at the ultimate fan experience. For dead people, anyway.
What you get? Your ashes in a special brass urn, presumably with an engraved “G” on it. And you get placed on a “Mantel of Fame” next to other urns filled with the ashes of other dead Packer fans.
But here’s the kicker. I mean, you can get this special fan package whenever you want. But to get the discount? You kinda need to be dead before the start of the Superbowl, and the percentage of the discount is however many points the Packers have at the end of the game.
So if the Packers score 50? You get half off your Fan For Eternity cremation package.
All you people fighting the big C and barely hanging on? Or those waiting for a heart transplant? Are you a Packer fan? Just give in, man. This package is to die for!*
*You know I’m kidding, right? This has to be the most ridonkulous promotion I’ve ever heard of. If you’re unfortunate enough to be fighting cancer or awaiting a transplant, please hang on and fight. I just wanted to use sarcasm to show how inappropriate this ad is.