Bounty on Ndamukong Suh
Just like every other Packer fan, I saw the game yesterday. Like most every other Packer fan, I went into the game a little nervous, knowing that one player on the Lions’ roster sees the “rules” of the NFL as I wrote them just now: in quotes. Which I’m certain is why Ndamukong Suh felt the need to schedule a meeting with Commissioner Goodell, so he could know which items were rules, which were “rules” and which were “rules (with a wink)”.
Anyway, like me, you were probably worried that the head of the most fawned-over player among sports talk media this season, our own Superbowl MVP Aaron Rodgers, would be treated like the cork from the bottle of champagne popped by the ‘72 Dolphins every year since their perfect season, upon the last undefeated team losing a game; it’d be popped off and discarded. You know, kind of like Jake Delhomme’s head last year.
It may have been John Lynch who I recently heard say, when talking about Suh: “Tough is what happens between the whistles. The stuff that happens after the whistle is by guys who want people to think they’re tough.”
To my mind, Ndamukong Suh is an embarrassment to the city of Detroit. I grew up within 15 minutes of the Pontiac Silverdome, so I’m allowed to say this. But also, what’s worse to me than Suh and his disregard for the warrior code on the field is coach Jim Schwartz’s reaction. A lot like that reaction you get from me when we’re at the bar and it’s my turn to buy a round and I forgot my wallet. Again.
So, to clean up the city of Detroit and the NFL, I’m offering a “bounty,” and I’d like to invite all fans of football to chip in. The “bounty” is on Ndamukong Suh. Well, to be specific, on Suh’s cartilage. You know, ligaments, mensici, tendons, pretty much any connective tissue. I’m broke, but I’ll pony up what I can afford – $0.67 toward the cause: a “bounty” to the NFL player who causes sufficient damage to any of Suh’s connective tissue as to require surgery and keep him out of the game. A career-ending injury and I will double my donation to $1.34.
But what NFL player is really going to go out of his way to earn a “bounty” of $.67? That number needs to be WAY bigger. So I’m asking you to donate – simply log into your Paypal account and donate whatever you feel is appropriate to the “Clean Up Football – WhoopSuhdaisy Sorry ‘Bout That MCL” bounty fund – donate it to … Tell you what. Why don’t you email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know that you want to donate, and I’ll get you the donation address from there. Don’t want the legal beagles of the NFL getting all up in my Paypal.
Now I realize that Mr. Suh, coach Schwartz, Suh’s agent and commissioner Goodell probably think I’m inciting violence. I’m totally not doing that. You see I was off balance (chemically) and am simply trying to stand up again, and it’s coming at the expense of me knocking Ndamukong down. I mean really, all money raised from this “bounty” (See? Damn those quote thingies are handy!) will go to Child Fund International (ChildFund.org), which helps abused and less fortunate children around the world. Besides, the “man upstairs”* knows what I’m doing here.
* and he keeps whispering weird shit in my ear
P.S. Just like Eminem always says, you know I’m just kiddin’ y’all. I love Ndamukong Suh. But seriously. Donate. For the “bounty.” Suh’s tendons could save some underprivileged child’s life.