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When we looked for 'history', this is what we found.

Chris Webber is Giggling

20
   December

If this guy starts telling me how a woman likes to have her ass smacked, I'm out.Edmund Burke said “Those who don’t learn from history are destined to repeat it.”

But really. Would you listen to anything that came from the mouth of a panty waste like this guy? Especially if you were a steely head coach of a team playing the toughest sport in the world?

Of course not.

Which is why, once again, special teams and clock management hurt the Packers in their loss to the 2011 Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots.

But really, there were lots of bright spots, and Packer faithful, I want you to consider this one thing: the Packers have lost to the very best the NFC AND AFC have to offer right now by a grand total of seven points (Atlanta, which sits atop the NFC at 12-2, and New England, perched over the AFC, also at 12-2). And last night, they did it without their starting quarterback on the field.

Admit it, before the final minute of the game, you thought Flynn’s game last night was above where you expected it to be. His decision making wasn’t as crisp and on script as a veteran QB, but you have to cop to it - he played really well.  Short of that last minute, he didn’t seem to ever get rattled.

BJ Raji. Well, I was hoping to draw some kind of parallel between BJ and Mr. Bojangles, but it turns out Bojangles wasn’t a boxer or wrestler or even a brick layer. He was a dancer.  And BJ might be a lover but he ain’t no dancer.

James Jones continues do himself a solid by catching and then hanging onto footballs and running places with those footballs.

And a little bit of props to coach McCarthy for the onside kick at the opener. Good thing I wasn’t having sex right then because I’m pretty sure the pig squeal I let out would have sent the wrong message to the lovely lady who’s ass I would have been slapping.

I want to heap praise on the defense for keeping the game close, but they gave up 30+, which is something they NEVER do. Granted, it was against what some are calling the best offense in the NFL right now. And they did apply some pressure to Brady. Ok, ok. Slack given.

I was beginning to think the nickname “Matty Ice” was going to need to be shared among two QB’s in the NFL, but the Matty Ice near Bahston last night became Matty Melt in the final few seconds of the game.

Which brings me to today’s history lesson.

Last night an offensive lineman had a 71 yard kick return. During the return I heard words like “..and he makes one tackler miss!” and “…he cuts back and has open field in front of him!” When an offensive lineman fields a kickoff? I should never, EVER hear those words. The Packers’ ability to cover kicks and punts is historical in it’s badness.

The Packers still have their 4th highest paid player playing Russian Roulette with his ACLs and MCLs, returning kicks. Take Tramon off the field for returns. A running back’s estimated lifespan in the NFL is about 3 years. A kick returner’s is about 3 months.

I can't haz timeout?Coach McCarthy? Please learn from this. And find someone who knows how to coach special teams.

Also, Coach McTime Management, when the game was on the line and you were in the clutch, you burned out another skid plate. Maybe Flynn doesn’t really have his two minute offense down, and should have known what the next play was gonna be. He certainly should have known he was out of time outs. Maybe he should have taken a lesson from Terrell Owens and Sarah Palin and stuff a sharpie in his sock so he could keep track of how many timeouts he had left.

But a wily and wise coach would have recognized that his first-time starting QB might get a little flustered in the final seconds, and sent in TWO plays. One for now and one to run right afterward. Instead it looked very much like Flynn, after trying to pull a Chris Webber, not having a play at the ready or not being able to hear it in his helmet, just yelled “Fuck it! Same play, guys! Ready, HUTT!”

Well at least the Patriot cheerleaders were warming up the place dressed as Santa’s little helpers.
Beautiful women dressed in Christmas gear? Yes, please.

I think moral victories are for the guys who leave the bar to make a stop at the drug store for some hand lotion on the way to an empty apartment.

But the Packers were missing some key guys, including Nick Collins for most of the night. And this was the very best the NFL has to offer in an opponent. The loss makes the Packer playoff hopes something only advanced mathematicians can understand, but you know? Given the injuries and the holes coach McChallenge keeps shooting through Packer feet, this has been a pretty entertaining season.

Now please excuse me. There’s a sale on Jergens at Wal Mart.

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Packers: Moving Furniture to Make Room in Their Heads

22
   November

Let a new legend begin.

In the 1960’s, defenses could not prevent the mechanical certainty with which the Packers’ offense ate yards.

In the 1990’s, you didn’t leave Lambeau Field as an opponent of the Packers with a win.

In the 2010’s, coaches in jeopardy of losing their jobs do not survive the Packers.

Now don’t get me wrong - I’m not gonna go all crazy and crown their ass just yet. They don’t even hold sole possession of first place in their own division.

But what they do have? They have Dom Capers, the Megamind of Defense. Charles Woodson, who is arguably the most complete defensive player in football. Clay Matthews, the only defensive player I can remember in recent history that has me holding my breath with every opposing play from scrimmage, wondering if he’ll wreak disaster in the offensive backfield. Tramon Williams, who in 2010 is making himself a big name player in the NFL. Shit, I was gonna rattle off all the important players in the Packer defense and offense, but I’m running out of steam, and besides - I don’t need to tell you who’s good, do I? You watch the games. You know.

Add all of those good players up and you get 1,685, if you add them up by the numbers on their jerseys. Which makes no sense at all.

What does make sense? We have ourselves a young, talented team to pull for that gets better every week. A team that would hold up their end of the fight against any other team in the NFC right now.

Dear Mike Singletary, Jim Schwartz and Tom Coughlin: Don’t get too comfortable. And spend a little time familiarizing yourself with the user interface on Monster.com. It can be a little tricky if you aren’t used to it.

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Rodgers is Maverick. Without the Homoerotic Volleyball Scene. I Think.

04
   February

You’re out there, Maverick, going Mach 2 with your hair on fire, but you’re always flying like you’re second best.”

Or something like that. I think I just blended a Jester quote with a Charlie quote, but hey. How much do you pay to read this blog? Right. Nothing. Lower your expectations, already.

In Top Gun, Tom Cruise’s character when in flight was always chasing the ghost of his father, Maverick Sr. Trying to follow the legend. The best fighter pilot ever. Or so said Tom Skerritt’s character.

And right here in Colloquial, USA, we’ve seen the final credits roll on Top Gun 2. Not Hot Shots! the crappy parody (though the atmosphere in Titletown has certainly been parody-like). I mean the sequel. Top Gun II. But this time the old man is kicked out of the Navy for being a douchebag, he joins up with the Air Force just to piss off the Navy, and then there’s a huge fucking civil war, and it ends with the douchebag old man sitting in his crashed, un-ejected cockpit, sobbing as the flames engulf him, and as the camera angle gets wide, there’s a young, blue-eyed pilot for the Good Guys looking skyward into the distance, hands on hips.

I think.

Or how about this.

Aaron Rodgers has the impossible task of following a legend. Only one time in the history or history has another quarterback done it. And he’s in the Hall of Fame, too. So far? Serving as starter for the NFC in the Pro Bowl (yadda-yadda, I know, Drew Breeze. Superbowl. Brett Favre. Injury. But you know this, too: Pro Bowl. Starter)? Pretty damn good start, following the legend. I’d tell you I watched the game, but to quote the worst fight song writer on the planet, I was getting to this thing called life. Watch the Pro Bowl? Right after I shave my nut sack and empty the crap from the bottom of the silverware drawer. How does all that stuff get IN there, anyway?!

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