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Stuff written about: “Any Given Sunday”

Bounty on Ndamukong Suh

25
   November

Just like every other Packer fan, I saw the game yesterday.  Like most every other Packer fan, I went into the game a little nervous, knowing that one player on the Lions’ roster sees the “rules” of the NFL as I wrote them just now: in quotes.  Which I’m certain is why Ndamukong Suh felt the need to schedule a meeting with Commissioner Goodell, so he could know which items were rules, which were “rules” and which were “rules (with a wink)”.

POP! Goes the cranium...Anyway, like me, you were probably worried that the head of the most fawned-over player among sports talk media this season, our own Superbowl MVP Aaron Rodgers, would be treated like the cork from the bottle of champagne popped by the ‘72 Dolphins every year since their perfect season, upon the last undefeated team losing a game; it’d be popped off and discarded. You know, kind of like Jake Delhomme’s head last year.

It may have been John Lynch who I recently heard say, when talking about Suh: “Tough is what happens between the whistles. The stuff that happens after the whistle is by guys who want people to think they’re tough.”

Yeah I dunno! I just dunno!To my mind, Ndamukong Suh is an embarrassment to the city of Detroit.  I grew up within 15 minutes of the Pontiac Silverdome, so I’m allowed to say this.  But also, what’s worse to me than Suh and his disregard for the warrior code on the field is coach Jim Schwartz’s reaction.  A lot like that reaction you get from me when we’re at the bar and it’s my turn to buy a round and I forgot my wallet.  Again.

So, to clean up the city of Detroit and the NFL, I’m offering a “bounty,” and I’d like to invite all fans of football to chip in. The “bounty” is on Ndamukong Suh.  Well, to be specific, on Suh’s cartilage.  You know, ligaments, mensici, tendons, pretty much any connective tissue.  I’m broke, but I’ll pony up what I can afford - $0.67 toward the cause: a “bounty” to the NFL player who causes sufficient damage to any of Suh’s connective tissue as to require surgery and keep him out of the game.  A career-ending injury and I will double my donation to $1.34.

But what NFL player is really going to go out of his way to earn a “bounty” of $.67? That number needs to be WAY bigger.  So I’m asking you to donate - simply log into your Paypal account and donate whatever you feel is appropriate to the “Clean Up Football - WhoopSuhdaisy Sorry ‘Bout That MCL” bounty fund - donate it to … Tell you what.  Why don’t you email me at jpfootball68@gmail.com and let me know that you want to donate, and I’ll get you the donation address from there. Don’t want the legal beagles of the NFL getting all up in my Paypal.

Now I realize that Mr. Suh, coach Schwartz, Suh’s agent and commissioner Goodell probably think I’m inciting violence.  I’m totally not doing that.  You see I was off balance (chemically) and am simply trying to stand up again, and it’s coming at the expense of me knocking Ndamukong down.  I mean really, all money raised from this “bounty” (See? Damn those quote thingies are handy!) will go to Child Fund International (ChildFund.org), which helps abused and less fortunate children around the world.  Besides, the “man upstairs”* knows what I’m doing here.

* and he keeps whispering weird shit in my ear

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P.S. Just like Eminem always says, you know I’m just kiddin’ y’all.  I love Ndamukong Suh. But seriously. Donate. For the “bounty.” Suh’s tendons could save some underprivileged child’s life.


Packers-Bears NFC Championship Preview

20
   January

Really?  Do we need a preview for this game?  Two regular season games since forever and the most recent matchup happening as a do-or-die in week 17?  And now we need a preview?

John Clayton thinks the shit-ass field and bad weather in Chicago plays into the Packers passing game.  Uh, on what planet has that EVER been true?  The NFL  doesn’t track successful handoffs to running backs.  You know why? Because it’s supposed to be successful 100% of the time.  It doesn’t always work out that way, but a handoff completion rate of 98% sounds like a reasonable expectation.  Passing is harder. That’s why they make a big deal out of someone completing, say, 31 out of 36 passes in a game.

And bad weather and a bad field are, you know, bad.  That’s why we use that word.  If it were easier to throw and catch passes in sub-freezing temps in a bowl of slush, they would use a word like, I dunno, good. But they don’t.  They use bad.  So John Clayton’s opinion notwithstanding, bad weather and bad field do not give an advantage to a passing game.  They give it to a good running game.

But you know? Blah, blah, blah.  The Bears are who we think they are.  And the Packers are who Bear fans think they are.  At the end of the day, this is all I wanna see (the naked guy represents the Bears.  FYI.):
Bears Getting Spanked by Packers

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Last Time This Happened? Somebody Got Fired on Monday.

26
   December

ExcellentI think Tom Coughlin needs to institute a game day ball punch policy for every ball dropped or intercepted.  Ball gets punched out? You get your balls punched out.

So. The Packers delivered another high-powered offensive show and married it to a defensive asphyxiation of the opponent.  Gave it to ‘em hard and fast with their hands around her neck, so she couldn’t breat… oh, wait. I’m just, uh, nevermind.

The performance left me feeling a lot like Monty Burns after discovering his plot to dominate the Springfield energy market. Egggsellent.

But it’s not all milk and honey. There’s some bees and vinegar. Or is it piss and vinegar? Patayto-potahto.

My hit list from the game:

James Jones. You’ve strung together a few nice games this season, haven’t you. And you already know I like you. But that doesn’t give you license to strut like you’re, you know, Donald Driver.

Donald Driver. Still got it.

Greg Jennings. Still really good, and for more than the home run ball.

John Kuhn. He’s a fan fave for a reason, people.

Brandon Jackson. He could find the pile from 20 yards blindfolded. That’s gotta be worth something. Just not in the NFL.

Kick returns. Catch the ball, pick a lane, run North. Those are the only three things. No East-West. No shimmy. No motherfucking shake. Catch ball, pick lane, run North. Fast.

Thank god the game wasn’t close, so the Packers didn’t have to rely on McCarthy managing wee seconds at the end of the game. That’s the formula, I think: get a 20+ point lead on every team and keep it. I know. I’m a genius.

Clay Matthews. One team with consecutive Defensive Players of the Year? I’m thinking yes.

Des Bishop. Worthy starter. Earned his spot.

Jordy Nelson. Goddammit, man. Hang onto the ball.

Aaron Rodgers. Thanks for sliding.

There’s more, but I’m full on Christmas turkey and beers. Sleepy.

Good game, boys. But all it means is that now you have to win one more game to make the playoffs. Nobody’s crowning your ass. Got it?

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