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Stuff written about: “Cheerleader Rankings”

2009 Baltimore Ravens Cheerleaders


What’s the catch phrase from those strip joints? 100’s of beautiful girls and 3 ugly ones? I get the impression the Ravens cheerleading squad is gorgeous, but judging by the overwhelming emphasis on the five shown above, I’m wondering if some sort of inverted strip joint catch phrase is appropriate here.

Like the St. Louis Rams, the Ravens more or less get it when it comes to why cheerleaders exist on planet Earth (especially Serena, 2nd from right, tugging on her suit to show us her Brazilian).  The picture at the top of this post is also on the cover of their swimsuit calendar.  The Ravens website also has lots of pictures of the 2009 tryouts, including the girl to the right, who’s also been invited to my 2009 Girlfriend Tryouts.  As you might imagine, the winner receives a very prestigious award.

The website offers hot desktop backgrounds like the Rams cheerleaders, but only of the five women you see at the top of this post.  Not complaining, and yeah, there’s nice diversity in that group to appeal to just about any taste, but like Ron White once said:  “One you’ve seen one pair of tits…

You pretty much wanna see all of ’em.”

One very, very troubling discovery is that there are dudes on this cheerleading team.  Right.  Dudes.  For those of you still trying to wrap your head around this, think Will Ferrell.

But that hideous revelation is tempered by Leslie, Serena, Amanda and Angel.

The best of the bunch?  The hottest of the hot?

She has red hair that smolders, blue eyes that pierce.

Her name is Adriene.

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2009 St. Louis Rams Cheerleaders


I don’t have every cheerleading squad ranked yet, so I can’t call the Rams cheerleaders the best in the NFL.  But they are the Best So Far.

2009 Rams Cheerleading captains

What makes them the best? The organization appears to understand what the cheerleaders are for and about. It’s not about trying to make a beauty pageant look like a Mensa convention (and uh, good luck with that one), it’s about putting babes in the position to be babes. Which for the record? In front of me, on her knees. That’s about the best spot, I believe.

Ok JP, shake it off. Back away from the visual and put your hands where I can see them.

The St. Louis Rams cheerleaders have an awesome calendar that again shows that they understand the big picture. The calendar isn’t all consumed with months and days – there’s just enough that it can qualify as a calendar without being all calendary, the rest of the glossy cardstock real estate being dedicated to the real reasons for owning the calendar.

But Rams management? Have you ever tried to navigate the site and actually buy one of the current calendars? Grab someone not involved with the site and see if they can get to the buy page in 4 clicks or less. If they can’t, your web people have failed. (hint: they failed)

Megan, Megan, Megan and MeghanThe women are spectacular. A nice blend of ethnicities that is sadly light on Latinas, but nice nonetheless. One of my favorites is Meg. Or maybe it’s Meg. Or is it Meg? Nope. It’s definitely Meg.

And they have desktop backgrounds!  Genius!  Gigantic pictures of fabulous women, complete with logos and small graphical ads from some of the sponsors of the stadium or whateverIwasn’treallypayingattentiontotheads.  And who’s going to complain?  Look at the pictures! (and click on them and pretend your cursor is your fingers to see the full size photos.)

And they must be smart sports fans, because I read most of the bios, and in answering the question “who is your favorite pro sports athlete” not a single cheerleader mentioned an active Rams player.  Sports savvy, I tell you.

But who is the fairest of them all? She has a brilliant smile. She has beautiful, long, flowing hair. She has deep, brown eyes. She has toasty brown skin. She has a curvalicious body. She has a hole above her navel where a diamond should be.  She has my number, if she wants to call it.


( Don’t worry about what the police are telling you about me, Tricia. I’m really not that dangerous. Just misunderstood.)

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2009 Minnesota Viking Cheerleaders


Ladies of the purple and yellow:

I apologize in advance if I’m a bit mean-spirited in my review of your team.  You have a turncoat quarterback on your team that I think should suck mike ock for all the trouble he’s caused.  And because I’m mature about all of it, I’m going to wildly flail away at anything affiliated with the Vikings, even if it has nothing to do with Brent Favre.  Today, that means my attention turns to you.

First:  Is it a requirement in Minnesota that every woman wear Bumpits size XL?    Because wtf, ladies.  It looks like someone set off an M80 in the back of most of your heads.

Second: Whoever is in charge of naming the files you put up on the website?  “nikki-no-pit-stain.jpg” was a really, really bad choice.  I feel doubly bad for Miss Nopitstain, because when I was in high school you could always pick out which cheerleader was the one that was the anchor at the bottom of the pyramid, because she was built more like a Clydesdale than a princess.  It appears Ms. Nopitstain is the lynch pin of the Vikings cheerleader pyramid.  And rightfully so, with all the oats she’s been eating.

Third:  Maybe the photographer should mention to these girls that they’re supposed to be happy getting all this attention heaped on them, cheering for the team and getting their pictures taken.  Because the one below?  She scares me a little.

They get points for having videos on the site, though most of them are like watching Ms Teen South Carolina talk about maps for kids in The Iraq.  They also have a swimsuit calendar and wisely put their hottest cheerleader front and center.  That would be Annalisa.

Which brings me to my final segment – who is the most baberrific member of the 2009 Viking cheerleader squad.  But I guess I already blew my load on that one in the last paragraph, didn’t I.  If you took Olivia Newton-John at her absolute hottest, she would look like Annalisa’s ugly older sister.

Sing it with me:  Let’s get physical.  Physical.  I wanna get physical….

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