My Official Green Bay Packer Blog

Just like most things on this blog, I’m weeks late to the party. The Packers’ season ended over a month ago and here I am, all “Hey, looky here! Season in Review!”

And just like most things on this blog, you’d expect that extra time would have given me the chance to dig in, research, and write some bang-up copy. Again, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed. Just like that chick I kept bragging to on Twitter about how I was so good in bed. (and sugarplum? You knew I was just sayin’ all that shit to get in your pants, right? All that bragging about how huge I was? I was just following the Mystery Method, babe. Nothing personal. Just bidness. The lurv bidness.)

Anyway. My Twitter flirtations aside, the Packers enjoyed a better regular season than many people thought they would. Before week 1, Packer faithful measured up the possible wins and losses and most came out around 9-7, 10-6. There were a few lunatics who had them at 11-5, and the sad part about that is that the Packers, by finishing 11-5, have now fueled that lunacy for the next decade, forcing us all to remember back to the 2009 season when they were the only ones who thought the Packers could finish that high and they did, proving those prognosticators to be brilliant. Until I grow tired of hearing it, stuff a sock in their mouths, duct taped shut, then toss ‘em in a vat of pancake batter.

Or worse. Baby batter.

Mmmmm. Can’t you just smell the baby batter pancakes? Takes me like an hour to make a full batch, though.

Aaron Rodgers continued to build on the successes of his first year, making quicker decisions in the pocket, learning how to better run for his life under the pressure caused by a sometimes vacant offensive line, like a frog dodging traffic. And he passed Brett Favre as second all-time in Packer single-season passing yards with over 4,400 yards, behind only Lynn Dickey. Lemme preempt the Favries out there who’re screaming at their monitors “THEY JUST KEPT RODGERS IN AGAINST THE CARDS TO PAD HIS NUMBERS AND TOP FAVRE!” First? You pound the Prozac into a fine powder, then using your kids silly straw, you snort it right up your nose. It’ll make it all better in a few minutes, I promise. Second? Like Favre never manipulated anything for a record.

Ryan Grant sneakily piled up top 10 yardage this season, mainly cooking the stat book when the Pack played against closing time skanks like the Lions and Bears. Put him against prime time heat and action and Grant did no better than that kid that retrieves the kicking tee would do. But for the stat junkies who don’t understand context, Grant was Sweetness reincarnated.

The offensive line was offensive like Andrew Dice Clay at a GLAAD conference is offensive. And then Cliffy got healthy. Sorta. And Tausch came back. And stayed healthy. Sorta. After that the color man in the booth stopped talking about how much time Rodgers was spending horizontal in a game.

The receiving corps had a good year, though they had a multi-game spell where it looked like they were using waaaay too much Jergens before the game, because nobody’s balls were sticking to their hands. (I know - put that way it sounds like a good thing, right?) Jermichael Finley climbed his way out of my doghouse by shutting the squeaker, catching balls and knocking over DBs like I did the last time I helped coach a Pop Warner team. (Wrap up the legs, you stupid little shits!)

And then there’s Dom. Architect of the superawesome. A guy I thought was washed up (and said as much), and ended up instead turning the Packer defense into a sort of amnesiatic monster, kicking ass most days, but forgetting itself on others. Overall? Dom’s a keeper.

As is the Czar of Defense, Charles Woodson. Not much else to say, really. When the Packers needed a game-changing play while trying to hold off an offense, Woodson was there to deliver.

And then there’s AJ Hawk. AJ’s a good man. Really is. And he’d be even better if he was on some other team. I think the reason we were playing along with AJ for awhile was because we didn’t have any other linebackers that young to compare him to. And then Clay Matthews showed us what an early first round LB is supposed to play like. Suddenly that #50 jersey we paid $110 bucks for didn’t seem like such a find.

So maybe we try to staple the tag back onto that jersey and return it for a Julius Peppers? Or at least a downpayment on a Julius Peppers.

If Ted T. can secure about 3 more solid contributors to the team, I’m sayin’ there’s a chance.

Op. My blogger’s union is telling me that with the length of this post I’m now on overtime. Which explains why The Man is tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to punch out.

And so?

I’m out.

I’ll be blogging about cheerleading squads and former Packers and trade rumors, if they’re really good ones, during the off season. And I’m sure Brett Favre will make an appearance at some point. Otherwise, as I usually recommend with this blog, keep your expectations low. In the meantime, pray to Saint Vince and stay off the Twitter.

Technorati Tags: Green Bay Packers, 2009 Season Review, Friends in Low Places, Lowest Common Denominator, How Low Can You Go, BrettFavreIsADonkeyI’mOut. Yeah!

“You’re out there, Maverick, going Mach 2 with your hair on fire, but you’re always flying like you’re second best.”

Or something like that. I think I just blended a Jester quote with a Charlie quote, but hey. How much do you pay to read this blog? Right. Nothing. Lower your expectations, already.

In Top Gun, Tom Cruise’s character when in flight was always chasing the ghost of his father, Maverick Sr. Trying to follow the legend. The best fighter pilot ever. Or so said Tom Skerritt’s character.

And right here in Colloquial, USA, we’ve seen the final credits roll on Top Gun 2. Not Hot Shots! the crappy parody (though the atmosphere in Titletown has certainly been parody-like). I mean the sequel. Top Gun II. But this time the old man is kicked out of the Navy for being a douchebag, he joins up with the Air Force just to piss off the Navy, and then there’s a huge fucking civil war, and it ends with the douchebag old man sitting in his crashed, un-ejected cockpit, sobbing as the flames engulf him, and as the camera angle gets wide, there’s a young, blue-eyed pilot for the Good Guys looking skyward into the distance, hands on hips.

I think.

Or how about this.

Aaron Rodgers has the impossible task of following a legend. Only one time in the history or history has another quarterback done it. And he’s in the Hall of Fame, too. So far? Serving as starter for the NFC in the Pro Bowl (yadda-yadda, I know, Drew Breeze. Superbowl. Brett Favre. Injury. But you know this, too: Pro Bowl. Starter)? Pretty damn good start, following the legend. I’d tell you I watched the game, but to quote the worst fight song writer on the planet, I was getting to this thing called life. Watch the Pro Bowl? Right after I shave my nut sack and empty the crap from the bottom of the silverware drawer. How does all that stuff get IN there, anyway?!

Technorati Tags: Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers, Pro Bowl, Brett Favre, Navy vs Air Force

I shouldn’t be telling you this.

I mean seriously, I shouldn’t.

Through some completely unrelated business travels and serendipity up the wazoo, I got to see an email. From someone inside the Packer organization. Someone everybody probably knows, but because of the situation I’m in that lead to this discovery, it’s someone that NO WAY IN HELL I mention his name. Because it’ll get back to him. And then the source.

And then me? Pretty much fucked. On many fronts.

So for now, let’s just say there were at least a few people in the Packer camp that were happy to see Favre fall short.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Technorati Tags: Green Bay Packers, Insider Trading, Brett Favre, Dancing on Lombardi Avenue