My Official Green Bay Packer Blog

A funny thing happened on my way to proving an earlier post right, that the Packers could have the best return game in the NFC North. I discovered that I was right, but also that the Lions are proctological exam awful.

So I went to NFL.com and ran the kick return numbers for the Packers, Vikings, Bears and Lions. I took the total number of yards for both kick and punt returns and divided it by total number of returns for an overall kick return average. The NFC’s best kick return team? The Detroit Lions.

Because I’m a fat, lazy American I’d farmed out the mathematics part of this post to a firm in India, but when I Paypalled them the $0.37  and got the results, I broke out my slide rule to double check. Sure enough, here’s the rankings:

1. Detroit Lions - 18.97 yards/return
2. Green Bay Packers - 17.98 (with two house calls, only the Saints have more in the NFC)
3. Chicago Bears - 16.5
4. Minnesota Vikings - 16.02

Here are some interesting facts about the breakout of these numbers:

The Packers, Vikings and Bears are all around 38 kick returns and 22 punt returns so far this season, but the Lions have had 48 kick returns with only 11 punt returns. What does that tell you? The Lions red zone defense is a giant, green, astro-turf welcome mat, for one. It also tells you that the Lions force the other team to punt about once per game.

It should not be a surprise that the Lions have the second worst defense in YPG in the NFL (406.1) ypg. Only Kansas City is worse (406.2 ypg).  They’re also second to last in points allowed (277 so far).

So yeah, I was kinda wrong in that by these measures the Lions have the best return game in the NFC North.  But since the Lions are the Lions, we’re not counting them.  This yields the amended results below:

1. Green Bay Packers
2. Chicago Bears
3. Minnesota Vikings

Maybe Devin Hester’s been eating too many ho-hos since he got his big contract.  Or doin’ too many ho-hos.

Technorati Tags: Green Bay Packers, Will Blackmon, Best Return Game in NFC North, Santa’s Givin’ Out Ho’s

Doctor Icewater usually rises to the challenge. I mean Keee-reist, the guy can hit the bell in the tower of Green Bay’s city hall:

But a 52-yarder with pennies left on the clock was too much to ask. Even so, the game had been lost long before that. For example, allow me to introduce The Five Matadors!

Rodgers was sacked 4 times, knocked down and mauled about a dozen more. It looked like each time there was a pass rush, someone in this front five was shouting Olé! (Tausch looks awesome in the mouseketeer hat, no?) Had the Packers not run back an interception AND a punt for scores, this game would have been over long before the clock read :26.

And so it went. We got home-jobbed on a safety, Olé’d on a second safety, and Rodgers didn’t often have more than the time it takes to say Double-D before he had to get rid of the ball.

And on the other side of the ball - AFD. McCarthy sounds like he preaches fundamentals all the time, but the Packers just can’t seem to wrap up any ball carriers unless they weigh less than 180 pounds. Ball hawking? The Packers have it down. Most picks (16) and most picks to result in touchdowns (11 - dbl check that, plz). Maybe the Packers are trading ball hawks for tackling, because they can’t stop a single professional running back.

Then there’s the robot. Aaron Rodgers. He’s been doing and saying so many of the right things, it’s like he’s been programmed. Unfortunately, as with most robots, the effort you get at the end of a tight game is the same as the effort you get at the beginning and middle. There isn’t a deeper place Rodgers can dig to for a next level, a 5th gear or that mythical extra-credit effort to get you to 110%. But with a robot usually comes precision of movement and clear decision making. Rodgers has had the blue screen of death come up during a few series (like the start of the Tennessee game), but after a few reboots, he seems to get his code straight and is able to resume program and play like the robot he’s been. I look forward to the day when he can carry the team on his back, but hey, this is his first year. They were chanting for Majkowski during Favre’s first season.

But I’ll give Captain Condom his props. Nearly 200 yards on 30 carries. And he’s always ready should the woman with the largest vagina in the world ever show up to watch him play. If we only knew how to tackle dudes who wear condoms on their heads.

And if poor tackling, a fight card full of matadors for an O line, a rebooting robot and a mediocre (yet highly paid) running back wasn’t enough, a broken banjo string in Nick Barnett’s knee is going to keep him out for the rest of the season.

The Packers are 4-5 looking up at the Vikes and Bears with the Bears coming to town next week.

Technorati Tags: Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Banjo Strings, Head Condoms and Lost in Space

There was a minor story that was released today that seems to be flying under the radar of every major new outlet, but I think it’s an important one that may in fact connect some of the dots in the Favre situation.  Let me lay out some hypothetical phonecalls between the principles in this epic.

August 1, 2008 - Ted Thompson calls Minnesota Vikings GM Rick Spielman

Ted: Hey, Rickster.  How’s it going in Minnesota?  How’s Tarvaris Jackson been in camp so far?

Rick:  Meh.  He kinda looks like Martin Lawrence, doesn’t he?  He’s nowhere near as funny, though.  Sure doesn’t play like Brett Favre.

Ted:  Hey, I’m glad you brought that up.  You know Brett sent in his reinstatement papers, right?  We’re expecting him to be in camp sometime this weekend.

Rick:  Oh?  He’s sure got you guys in a tight spot.  You know we’d love to have him play for us.  But we’ve got a problem:  you filed those tampering charges against us with the NFL.  We’d love to give you a high draft pick for Favre, but if Goodell comes down with penalties against us for the 37 “totally platonic” phonecalls we had with him, we may end up paying with 3 or 4 draft picks, which is a much higher price than we’d be willing to pay.

Ted:  Hmm.  That’s true.  I remember that Goodell smacked the 49ers with tampering charges in March when they were talking to the Bears’ Lance Briggs.  They ended up losing their fifth round pick and had to switch third round picks with the Bears.

Rick:  Right.  How ’bout you call Roger Goodell and ask that he find that there was no tampering.  Do that and we might be able to make a deal for Favre.

Ted:  Lemme call Roger.

*********************

Ted:  Hello, Mr. Goodell?

Roger:  Hey, Ted.  You have that friggin’ Favre situation squared away yet?

Ted:  We’re getting close.  Hey, I have a favor to ask.  Minnesota is interested in Favre, but they’re worried you’ll hit them with some heavy penalties for tampering, in which case a Favre trade would be less favorable for them.  Can you look at the evidence, kinda like you did for the Patriots spygate thing, burn the evidence, and then find that there was no tampering?  It’d really help.

Roger:  That’d make my job a lot easier.  And if it helps put this thing to bed, I’ll do it.

********************

August 4, 2008 - Roger Goodell finds there was no tampering with the Vikings and Favre.

Ted:  Hello, Rick?  I’m here with Mike McCarthy on a conference call.  You probably saw it - Goodell wiped the slate clean on the tampering thing.  But we’re still in a tight spot.  Favre showed up for our family night and the fans are going bonkers.  Things are too hot to trade him right now.  Can we wait a couple days?

Rick:  Sure.  Hey, Mike.  How’d things go with that meeting last night?

Mike:  Favre was as skittish as a tweaker without his meth, so it took five hours to talk with him about how things are going to be.  We haven’t been letting him look at the playbook, obviously, because we don’t want to tip our hands if he ends up playing for you.  We have a practice scheduled for today at 2pm, and we aren’t going to have Brett participate in that practice.  Can we get this deal done in the next 24-48 hours?

Rick:  I think so.  Lemme check with our owner, Zygi Wilf.  But I think we can get this thing in a day or so.

Ted:  Great.  We can have him on a bus as soon as you need him.

So when you hear about this blockbuster deal folks, remember that you read about it first right here, on this tiny little no-access Packer blog.

Technorati Tags: Brett Favre, Green Bacy Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Brad Childress, Mike McCarthy, Ted Thompson, Rick Spielman, Tampering, The Plot Thickens