My Official Green Bay Packers blog

Every day this week I’d listen to sports talk radio, watch Greta, then take a few notes about what I wanted to post about. And then by the next morning there was enough crap added to dung heap that has become the Brett Favre situation that I had to scrap my plans for the previous post and change direction. First I was going to title this post “The Fargina Monologues.” Then, “How to Throw Away a Career of Good Will in 10 Days.”

But with all the piles of information to sift through and post about, there’s no way I’m going to be able to write a coherent post (do I ever?). So I’m going to just punch through this thing like a freaking tommy gun of bullet points.

• Brett’s gotta stop listening to the women in his life, including his mother and his wife (and brothers, too, I suppose). Brett, in case you didn’t notice all the johnsons dangling from your teammates in the showers after the games, this is a man’s sport, dude. Unless you were the shy nerd of questionable sexual orientation on the team who would always come up with some reason why you couldn’t shower with the team, preferring the comfort of your bathtub and rubber ducky at home, you had to notice. And dudes? They don’t skip lightly from one idea to the next in an interview like a scatterbrained teenager at a Sadie Hawkins dance. So taking advice from mom and Deanna about football and public relations is always going to be a bad idea. You have millions. Hire someone. Someone that is not named Favre; someone who doesn’t pronounce P.R. “Purrrrr.” The more you talk, the more you appear to be taking your undergarment advice from Nuke LaLoosh. Or Susan Sarandon.
• Liar, liar. In part 13 of the Greta Van Susteren interview Brett said he thought Ted Thompson was telling lies. Err, untruths. Err, whatever you call it when someone disagrees with Brett’s take on something. His example was Ted claiming Brett hadn’t lobbied hard to get Randy Moss into a Packer uniform. I’d like to introduce Brett to a concept I know he’s unfamiliar with. It’s called discretion. Discretion can occur when someone decides not to lay out the full story for the media about an issue out of concern that the media coverage may make the issue disproportionately large and take time away from the business of running the Packers. And when Brett was on David Letterman - wouldn’t that be considered a lie as well? The retirement? (change of heart, my ass) Brett’s insistence that the rumors of him wanting to come back were just that? Rumors? So Brett, you need to drop the liar talk. You’ve lied as much as anyone here, and probably more.
• Oh, and what about Randy Moss? If memory serves, when we ditched Mike Sherman, Brett really wanted Steve Not Coaching Anymoriucci, too. Well, we ended up at 13-3 with the coaching talent Ted Thompson brought in. Sure McCarthy would sooner kick Favre’s testicles than caress them as Mariucci may have, but as Brett told Greta, the proof is on the football field.  2007 was some pretty solid proof that Ted Thompson knows what he’s doing.
• And what about Donald Driver, Greg Jennings, James Jones, Ruvell Martin and Koren Robinson? Are you trying to tell me there was a better collection of wide receivers on the planet in 2007? Was there a single team running 5-wideout sets last year, other than the Packers? Mofo better have had 4,000+ passing yards last year, because he had more skilled hands at his disposal than any woman beating, Mary Jo Wanna smoking, locker room cancer, early quitting wideout could have ever brought to the team. Stop going all Mark Messier, thinking that because you’re the lead dog on the field that you’re in charge of player personnel, coaching staff and ticket prices. You’re the organ grinder monkey. And a great one at that. But shut up and dance, monkey.
• Why would Brett ever choose Greta Van Susteren for his interviewer? Oh yeah. Brett’s boss sent Greta an email and told Brett to do the interview.  Does anyone think this interview would have gone differently if Vince Lombardi had done it?  How ’bout John Madden?  You know that at the very least they’d have known the team to our northwest is not called the Minneapolis Vikings.  Again, this is a man’s sport.  By not selecting someone of the male persuasion who was also involved at some level in football, this either looks like Brett Favre truly is an egomaniac thinking his situation should be national news, or that his nuts wear a diamond-studded collar with the name “princess” engraved on it, tied to a leash toted by his wife, or his mom if Deanna’s busy.  Watching an icon of the most manly sport in America act like an emasculated sissy is just uncomfortable for me.  Please stop talking, Brett.
• And Brett probably thinks the fans are behind him, and he’s right.  Well, at least 130 of them, as 100 showed up at Lambeau and another 30 at a Milwaukee rally for Favre.  To those 130 all I can say is that I know how hard it can be when you’re unemployed.  For those of us who do NOT dumpster dive for our meals, Favre’s name is pretty much mud.  And when I say mud, I mean poop.  And when I say poop - ah, screw it.  Nevermind.
• Even my dentist thinks you’re acting ridiculous, Brett.  I had to stop him and settle him down because I was worried he was going to drill through my brain he was so pissed off.
• And now, Brett has yet to file papers to unretire and the latest from Bus Cook is that there are no immediate plans to do so.  Kind of like in March when I believe Favre first convened the hillbilly orchestra to hatch a plan to get out of Green Bay, he may be doing so again.
• And if you are among those who want to see Brett come back, keep in mind Ted Thompson is a grinder.  He has not made his mark in the NFL by making blockbuster, 100-point font deals.  He’s done it by churning through libraries of data to select and sign people for about half their market price.  Getting Favre back is a media relations problem Thompson can’t manage.  If it were Jerry Jones, there’d be billboards from Slinger to Antigo and a full page ad on the cover of the Green Bay Press-Gazette announcing Favre’s return.  Thompson does great things with small amounts of money, but this is outside of Thompson’s depth.
• That being said, what Thompson is doing is on the mark.  No employee of mine is going to tell me how to run my company.  Or if he does, he’ll soon be eligible to join the others at the Favre rallies.  I don’t think Favre owes the Packers.  I also don’t think the Packers owe Favre.  What I do think is that the Packers have Favre under contract and that contract is valid and should be enforced, and in Brett’s case, honored.  The Packers have Brett by the shorties - the sooner he comes to grip with that, the sooner he’ll be able to either move on with his life outside of football or have a partial egoectomy and get to camp to kick Rodger’s ass in earning the starting slot.
• If there’s any hope for Brett to reclaim his status as a dude, when he gets into town to induct Frankie Bag-O-Donuts into the Packer Hall of Fame, he’ll tell the media he has nothing to say, that this day and this event are for Frank and Gilbert (Brown), and that he won’t answer any questions.  If he does anything other than that, I’ll expect him to be wearing a white, full-length mink coat and a pink fedora with a peacock feather sticking out of it when he gets off the plane, because it’ll all mean that Favre is loving pimping him some Favre.

It is my sincerest hope that this is the last post I’ll make about Brett Favre for awhile. Because I’d much rather write about Aaron Rodgers’ media missteps or Noah Herron beating an intruder senseless with a bedpost.

Oh - I almost forgot.  Brett was scheduled to be at the Resch center in person on August 13th for a motivational seminar.  Checking the website,  I see that “due to possible commitments Brett Favre may appear live via satellite for this event.”  Right.  Commitments like having to avoid living through someone saying something bad about him to his face.  Dude is not made of iron.  He’s got sensitivities, you know.

Technorati Tags: Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Alotta Fagina

First, you have to watch the video below:

I applaud John Clayton in his courageous battle with comprehension. When you watch Clayton, you know you’re watching a guy who’s never played the game outside of Madden. In fact, in high school you know he was probably taped to the locker room showers, if for no other reason than the spit he lets fly when he’s talking. But you cut him a break because the guy looks so damn nerdy that you figure he has to be really good at his job, otherwise they wouldn’t have hired him. Yes you do. Why else would they give a guy with no shoulders, a 13″ neck and a nearly falsetto voice a job interviewing and reporting on some of the hardest guys on the planet?

So it was as much a surprise to me as I’m sure it was to you when John seemed to not grasp the moves available and likely for each side of this drama. Favre reportedly texted Ted Thompson telling him he wanted to come back (again, is Favre a 12 yr old girl or a dude? Place a call!), and Thompson’s reply was “I’m On Vacay, Bro.” Does that sound like a move by someone who thinks that Favre is bigger than the Packers and must crumble to Favre’s will and whimsy? And then Favre would just be sitting outside Lambeau with nowhere to go if the Packers didn’t take him back? Dude, you should read your coworker’s articles, specifically Chris Mortenson. He’ll lay it all out for you in a way you’ll understand. If Favre requests to be reinstated in writing, either the Packers take him back or they lose all rights to him. And then game on for the Brett Favre Lottery.

Of course the Packers will take him back. And it’s being reported that Favre will be given the backup QB role (better than I predicted, but at least I was closer to the mark than the guy who got paid for his insights on the matter), but that’s just for show, as Favre would certainly decline that offer unless it included a promise to get him the eff out of Green Bay. Then it’s the Packers choice where Favre will end up. Again, game on in the Brett Favre Lottery. Except this time, the Packers are holding every ticket.

So I wish you a speedy trip back to lucidity, John Clayton. There’s this great website where I get a lot of quality sports info you really oughta try. It might help you with the healing. It’s called espn.com.

Technorati Tags: More Brett Favre, John Clayton, Revenge of the Nerds

Well this Brett Favre thing is just blowing up like that 4th of July screamer my dad told me to hold in my hand when I was 9, isn’t it? Ka-BOOM!

Reports are flying in from everywhere. I’ll try to dissect them here one by one. But first, my thanks to Ben Fawkes from The Ocho for putting more of this in front of me.

Bill Michaels, Packer reporter for WTMJ, is reporting that Brett’s mom thought that the Packers organization forced Brett out. Brett’s mom? Y’know, I get calls every year from moms, hoping I’ll hire their sons for summer jobs. The thing I always wonder is, why are their mothers calling for them? Are they too busy Xboxing? Too lazy to pick up a phone? Maybe they’re such blanket-sucking mommas boys that mom has to do even the lightest dirty work for them, like making phone calls about jobs. I’m now being forced to consider similar questions about Brett.

Here’s a quick test: What is John Elway’s mother’s name? Joe Montana’s? How ’bout the slushy Joe Namath? Jim Kelly? Dan Marino? Terry Bradshaw? Roger Staubach? Troy Aikman? Bart freaking Starr? You know any of ‘em? I don’t know any. But I know Bonita Favre. You decide what that means.

Oh, and when Kurt Warner’s wife would pipe up publicly when she thought her husband was being underutilized in St. Louis, did you think that made Kurt look like more of a man or more of a pussy? Again, translate that as you will into the current Favre fluster cuck.

So to me, Brett being forced out is really a side issue to why in thee hell Brett’s mom is saying anything to the media. I stopped letting my mom speak on my behalf when I was thirteen (just after I stopped sucking on my blanket).

Brett claimed that it was the preseason and mid-season practice, workout and team meeting schedule that really made him want to quit. Yet Chris Mortenson reports that Favre has been running and throwing with a high school team in Hattiesburg, Mississippi for over a month. Asphinctersayswhat? So he was “retired” for what - 156 minutes?

Brett’s asking for a “no strings attached” release so he can pursue whatever team he might have interest in, and Bus Cook is rattling a tinfoil sabre, that Brett doesn’t want to force the Packers hand by writing a letter requesting to be reinstated. By league policy (according to Mortenson’s article), the Packers would either need to take him back onto the team or grant his release.  Oh, and Bus said Favre really wants this to be an amicable parting of company.  Kinda like that Packer party I hosted back in ‘97, when one of my guests barfed on my carpet, then pissed everywhere in the bathroom except the toilet.  “But dude, I want this to be an amicable parting.  *urp* Your party was so excellent and we’ve been friends for so long.”  Whatever dude.  You make it so that I have to spend the next day cleaning up the mess you made in my house?  We are so not friends anymore.

Hey, Bus? I’m no legal beagle, but there are a lot of rungs on an 80-man roster.  Should the Packers take Favre back, it doesn’t mean he would by definition have the starting QB slot. In fact, more likely it would mean that Favre would hold down second string placekick holder job until such time as the Packers could get something of value for what’s left on Favre’s contract. Because after all, we know this was a premeditated move for Brett. Even Barack Obama and John McCain don’t switch positions this quickly on an issue. This was all part of a hillbillian, orchestrated plan to get out of Green Bay and play somewhere else. We think it stinks and we think a lot less of Brett for not having the stones to just come out with it. So we’re going to side with our city-owned team when they jerk your chain the way you’ve been jerking ours.