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Stuff written about: “Superbowl”

So. The Game.

08
   February

Aaron Rodgers holding Superbowl XLV trophyHours before kickoff (you know, about the time Christina Aguilera began singing her riffed version of the national anthem) I was drafting a blog post of notes for many of the Packer players.  Just little thoughts to take with them as they took the field.

But if you have kids, you probably already know it’s against the law to put them in your dog’s kennel to keep them quiet and away from you while you watch pre-game and thee-game.  So I had kids crawling all over me as I was watching the boys at ESPN break down the game for the millionth time. And the blog post didn’t get written.

But if you’d have seen it, you too would admit it was sage advice.

I told Donald Driver that I knew he was in pain but that pain is temporary and glory is forever.  That he needed to suck it up and play - and he did, for as long as he could.  And that my daughter read your children’s book where Quickie made the team and she loved it.

I told James Jones that the swagger comes AFTER you do something important.  Don’t swagger until you’ve won the game, and you won’t be able to do that unless you hang onto the damn ball. Which you did, sometimes.  Please work on your hand-eye drills this off season?

I told Aaron Rodgers that he was The Robot, that every game I knew we got his absolute best, and to just not get rattled and do what I knew he had been well-prepared to do.  And he did, didn’t he?

I told Greg Jennings to be more than a long ball hitter.  He was.

I didn’t say anything to Jordy Nelson, which obviously was a mistake.  Jesus Jordy, YOU may be the MVP of the game if only you caught the balls that touched both of your hands.  It’s all you needed to do.

I told Quarless to please pull a vaginal muscle or something so that he couldn’t play in the game.  I know.  Sometimes I’m a prick.

I want to be honest here - I don’t want to rehash the game, because I have to think you’ve watched it, and you watched the highlights a thousand times already, like I have. For the second morning in a row I’ve woken up and turned on the TV looking for Superbowl highlights. Nick Collins and his pick and stellar runback.  The panic that set in when Woodson left the game, and then didn’t return.  Matthews popping a ball loose and Des Bishop eating it like a hungry school of piranha spotting a tasty cake-eater in the water. Rodgers continuing to throw to receivers that refused to hang onto the ball, no matter how perfect the throw. Tramon WIlliams losing his cool at a bad time.  Ben Roethlisberger removing his helmet and making the horse snort noise after BJ Raji planted him deep into the Dallas ground.

It was all friggin’ amazing. And strangely, when it was over I didn’t feel euphoric.  I felt relieved.  Like we dodged a bullet.  But that’s how the Packers have done it this year.  Build up a nice lead, then squander it away in the second half, me wearing a traffic pattern in my carpet as I pace the room, punctuating my nervous energy with occasional screaming bursts or throwing my hat at the floor.  And the Superbowl was no different. It was looking like it’d be the Atlanta playoff game all over again, over by halftime, it was anything but a walk.

And then.

The Steelers failed to convert on 4th down, with 53 seconds or so left on the clock.

Time for the V formation.

Time for me to finally exhale.

Superbowl Champions.

Hey gang? I’m going to the big celebration thing today.  If I was smart I’d have bought all the tickets I could and scalped them, but I’m not smart. So I bought one ticket.  Maybe I’ll see you there?  Look for me.  I’ll be the guy wearing the Packer jacket.  ;)

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Green Bay Packers Cover Story - CONTEST

03
   February

The robot is quoted in Pro Football Talk as saying he hasn’t been out “carousing.” That’s good, because unless it’s 1950, I don’t think anyone carouses anymore. Mackin on some ladies?  Maybe.  But not carousing.

I lyka way you waggleNo, no, Rodgers said he’s been in his room, studying game film, preparing for the Superbowl.  At least that’s his cover story.  And Rodgers believes that sticking to his usual routine in preparing for the Superbowl, doing the same things he’s done all year, will pay dividends on Sunday.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are hoping the same.  In the name of their cover story, “sticking to the routine,” Ben Roethlisberger was out boozing at a piano bar last night, and reportedly started playing chopsticks with his, uh, chopstick.*  And Hines Ward insists he wasn’t at that strip club, but again, stick to what you know.  You like having fine nekkid ladies waggling their behinds in your face? If that’s what got you to the big dance, then by all means, stick to that game plan. And make sure you have a good cover story for the media.

Cover your gadget with a coverooSpeaking of cover stories, I have a chance for one or two of you to win your own “cover stories” - a sweet, custom cover for your iPhone, iPod touch, Blackberry or other smart phone.  Coveroo makes them, and I have one or two to give away to readers like you. The winner will receive a code from me to enter at checkout.

Here’s what you need to do in order to win a free Coveroo: comment on my blog after the Superbowl. Whether the Packers win or lose, the most entertaining 2 comments will win. And by entertaining, I don’t mean chock full-o stats and box scores. Be insightful. Have a take that isn’t regurgitated from somewhere else. Or be funny. And as always, if you have a hot girlfriend or wife (or girlfriend AND wife) and send me a picture of her wearing Packer gear, that will be given priority consideration.

Simple, yes?

So. Watch the game. Then report back here and wow me. And Go Pack.

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*This story has yet to be confirmed by anyone but my imagination.


You Must Die Before Kickoff to Receive Discount

02
   February

I know things can get a little crazy up in here when the Packers are playing for the Lombardi trophy.  Companies offer their employees a paid holiday the day after the Superbowl if the Packers win, or the local chain burger joint might offer deep discounts if the Packers score so many points in the game.

But the latest discount I heard on the radio made me wanna fall over and die.  Literally. BECAUSE OF THE DISCOUNT!

It was an ad for a memorial park near Green Bay. You know. Where they bury dead people.  And if you’re lucky enough to be dead by the time the Packers play in the Superbowl? You might just have a chance at the ultimate fan experience. For dead people, anyway.

What you get? Your ashes in a special brass urn, presumably with an engraved “G” on it.  And you get placed on a “Mantel of Fame” next to other urns filled with the ashes of other dead Packer fans.

But here’s the kicker.  I mean, you can get this special fan package whenever you want. But to get the discount? You kinda need to be dead before the start of the Superbowl, and the percentage of the discount is however many points the Packers have at the end of the game.

So if the Packers score 50? You get half off your Fan For Eternity cremation package.

All you people fighting the big C and barely hanging on? Or those waiting for a heart transplant? Are you a Packer fan?  Just give in, man. This package is to die for!*

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*You know I’m kidding, right?  This has to be the most ridonkulous promotion I’ve ever heard of.  If you’re unfortunate enough to be fighting cancer or awaiting a transplant, please hang on and fight. I just wanted to use sarcasm to show how inappropriate this ad is.


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