When Deadspin broke the story of Brett Favre and his penis making advances toward beauty Jenn Sterger, I had people asking me if I was gonna blog about it.
I can’t not do it.
But first things first. To all Brett Favre apologists: don’t go conspiracy theory on me and tell me it wasn’t Brett. The phone messages came from a Mississippi phone number, and if you’ve listened to Favre’s press conferences over the last nearly 20 years, you know that’s his voice. No question about it. Other details of the story also just simply stack up on the side of this being Brett Favre. So before we go any further, let’s call a shovel a shovel: this was Brett Favre, making sexual advances toward Jenn Sterger.
Now I’m not going to get high and mighty on you. I don’t have more money than God, like Brett does. I haven’t been in the spotlight and nearly universally loved by America for 20 seconds, let alone 20 YEARS. I’m certain that women, attractive women, have been throwing themselves at Brett since the early 90’s. If that were me, can I say I’d have been strong enough, woman after willing woman, week after week, season after season, to never have indulged myself just once? I can’t honestly say, because I’ll never walk a mile in those shoes. And neither can you say, really. Temptation isn’t just an island on the Fox network. Or something.
And Brett knows it’s wrong. We can assume he knows that, right? Right. So I’m not going to belabor that point.
The things that stick in my po’ boy about this? The questions I’d like answers for?
Jenn Sterger wasn’t throwing herself at Brett Favre. Brett Favre was throwing himself at Jenn Sterger. Does he not realize he’s Brett Favre? In the world of sports, it would be fair to say Favre is like the George Clooney of football. Do you think George Clooney is sending unsolicited pictures of his cock to strange women? Of course not. He’s George Clooney. He could have an innie for a penis and women would still fawn over him. Because he’s George. Clooney.
Brett Favre should have taken a play or two from Clooney’s playbook. But he didn’t. He took some plays from Desperate 13 Year Old Boy’s playbook, and in so doing he cheapened his Brett Favre. It’s not coincidence that the products Favre endorses can all be found at your local Wal*Mart. Always low prices. Even for famous penis.
As I was researching a different Packer post, I stumbled upon this image of Favre and his family from at least a few years ago, and it made me sad. I’ve got kids, like I’m sure many of you do. What the hell do you tell your children? How embarrassed are they going to be once all the dirty laundry gets aired? (And you know there’s gonna be load after load of racing-stripe underwear from Brett Favre getting laundered over the next several months, right?) How disappointed they must feel in their dad. All the lessons he no doubt tried to teach his daughters about how to behave, and now here he is, sending dick pics to women who don’t even want them. He’s the guy he was teaching his daughters to stay away from.
If you’re blaming Jenn Sterger right now? You’re in denial about the fall of your idol. Jenn Sterger did nothing but to be beautiful and tempting. If you’re still a blamer, you probably also blame Mr. Reese for how fat you are. After all, he did make those delicious peanut butter and chocolate treats and put them in just about every store you frequent. How can you be held responsible for eating them? THEY’RE REESE’S, AFTER ALL.
A guy like Brett Favre, given his profile and finances, has to know he’s a potential gravy train for any woman he might try to hook up with. (If he doesn’t realize this, he deserves to get his reputation and bank account milked like it’s 6am at the dairy farm.) If he’s choosing to pursue someone whose professional aspirations would benefit from a juicy scandal with a world-famous athlete? And he’s sending her pictures of his boyhood that she never asked for? It should be no surprise when those pictures end up on the back of milk cartons and plastered all over the web. In fact, he should be surprised if they don’t.
I’m not saying Jenn Sterger did this, her eyes flashing to dollar signs when the sext messages and dickpics started showing up on her phone. Though the actions of an unnamed “third party,” releasing these texts, messages and pictures to the media makes it look like she may have. And if Favre didn’t realize he was exposing himself (pun totally intended) to this kind of messy outcome, then he really is a dumb hillbilly and deserves all the shit that’s about to come his way.
Re: the Jets organization: They have staff that acted in a way that appears at worst to be like pimps, at best like sex concierges. And I have a hard time believing the Jets are the exception here. If Big Media, in particular the networks that carry NFL programming, have the stones to do the right thing, they’ll dig into this story and find if this is happening every week in every NFL city.
One last thought. Favre was a crazy man in his younger days, partying hard and often with road roomie Mark Chmura. The same Mark Chmura who got away with some bad behavior in a hot tub with underage girls awhile back.
Remember the saying “Birds of a feather?”
My guess? Favre’s been doing this for years. Decades. I’m betting this goes Tiger Woods on Favre in the next 30 days.
Technorati Tags: A Spade Is a Shovel, Brett Favre, Jenn Sterger, Green Bay Packers, Grampa Penis In The News, Bonita’s Gonna Kill Her Son Soon As She Learns of This, Real. Funnylookin. Penis